Motherless Mother's Day

I was feeling a little bit depressed this past few days. With all the mother's day presentations, shows, features in the media, I can't help but feel sad that this Mother's day will be the first time that I wont be able to celebrate it with her. As Mother's day gets closer, the feelings of longing became more intense.
It is a painful day for me but I guess the pain will eventually subside in the next coming months. In time, my grief will eventually turn into complete healing and peace.


Every Mother's day, I usually give my mom a bouquet of red roses with a card. Then, she would lovingly put the roses in a vase and place it in the sala. Then every morning she would tell my father how she received a bouquet from me and not from him. you see, my father is a very kuripot man, and he doesn't like giving presents. But there was one time when my father gave me money and told me to buy something nice for mommy for mother's day. I bought her a bag and she was elated that my father already came to his senses and gave her something on Mother's day. :)

The first few weeks after my mother's death was awfully hard.
I was crying myself to sleep every night. I can't even write something about my mother because I would cry and wet my journal. And if my friends open up something about my mother, a tiny voice inside my head would tell me, wag ka iiyak, ang panget mo pag umiiyak ka, then I would just be calm and composed and remind myself not to cry or else they would witness the ugliest crying face on earth. :D

I know that my mother is already in a better place now and I am honestly happy that she has already graduated from all the hardships the world brings but I still feel lonely when I miss her. I feel lonely knowing that I will celebrate milestones in my life without her presence. I feel lonely that I will eventually be a full-fledged lawyer without her. I feel lonely that I will eventually meet the man that I am going to marry without her. I am lonely that I will walk down the aisle with the man that I will spend the rest of my life without her. I am lonely that I will learn how to change diapers and bathe my firstborn without her. It is a sad thought but I know that I will be a good and God-fearing lawyer, wife and mother because of Her. I love you and I miss you terribly mommy.